Today I thought about my blog again. It'd been a while since my mind returned to that little corner of the internet but it did and I thought I'd have a look at how it'd been doing. It's still here, quietly ticking away and, I was surprised to see, still getting a few views and comments here and there. I wasn't really quite sure what to think about that. I was kinda happy there were still people reading what I'd put out there, kinda sad, kinda guilty.
I get obsessions. That's something I've always been guilty of. Like a child I go through little phases and fads during which I devote all of my attention to something and it becomes my whole identity only for my interest to suddenly wane some time later. I suppose when you fixate on something so entirely it's never really sustainable. And if I'm honest with myself that's what happened with this blog. I spent so much time on writing, commenting on other blogs and chatting in twitter chats which, lets face it, takes up a lot of time and effort. That's all very well when that initial excitement is still there but after a while that gets a bit...much. You feel pressure to post, the writing starts to feel like essays and you can't keep up with the momentum you set up for yourself. I've always been an all or nothing kind of girl. I do it all or I just...don't. And that's what I keep doing with this blog. I go back to it, I get all obsessed again but I can't keep it up. I suck my own enjoyment out of it and it all gets a bit lost and I just let it go.
A lack of confidence comes into play too. I'm putting this out there for the world to see but still, when someone I know reads it I get all silly and scared and embarrassed. I start to focus on numbers to feel validated and to feel worth while because then I can be proud of it, right? With all those blogs out there just like mine, that's how I know mine belongs out there too, right? How I know I'm not getting lost in the void? The trouble is when you use that to justify the blog rather than enjoying it for what it is, you're going to be setting yourself up for disappointment and find yourself a bit jaded and it's not enough to push you to post more. That's how it's been for me, anyway.
Still though, I keep coming back to it because I do enjoy it for the most part and I'm proud of it and its not something I want to let go. I think about deleting it sometimes, and that's when I usually come back to it all stubborn and determined ''NO! I'm not deleting it, I'm going to revive it!' Then the momentum runs out, the ideas run out, the time runs out and the faith in it runs out.
Nonetheless, I'd like to try it again. And I'd like to try it better and with the right attitude. There wont be constant posts. The next one might be in a few months or it might be tomorrow, who knows. But it will be there because I do want to write it. This is one obsession I keep coming back to and I think that shows something. I do want to blog. But I don't need to post 3 times a week and I don't need 5000 followers to feel validated. But if anyone is still here, thankyou for sticking around and if anyone does want to follow me or read what I write, I appreciate that immensely. I''m sorry this is another 'sorry I've been gone' post, I promise this'll be the last, even if there's gaps between posts. I'll still be here though, dipping in and out of posting and chatting on twitter chats.
This is, I think, the third time I've returned to my blog after a long hiatus and it probably wont be the last. But that's okay.
How has your attitude to blogging changed over the years? Have you noticed your motivation spiking and dropping?